I was working with a client who was frustrated about having no time. We did a Day Dump exercise, and we could plainly see why. Her daughter was involved in nine extra-curricular activities. Yes, nine. Every night, my client drove her daughter from activity to activity.

With the activities came the volunteering, donating, buying. She was not only exhausted, but nearly broke, literally, with no time or money for herself. She had hard time using the word “No” to her daughter…

At first, she argued that I didn’t understand. She said, to be competitive, her daughter had to be involved in all of these things. She also said it would break her daughter’s heart to remove her from any of the activities, so my client would do what she had to do to keep her involved in all nine.

I understood, really. And I told my client that she knows in her heart what’s best for her and her family. If being involved in nine activities was best, who am I to tell her differently?

But, then, my client fought the case against herself.

She wanted her daughter to realize she can’t always get everything, she wanted her to learn how hard she has to work for the money to participate in these activities, and she wanted her daughter to realize that other people are important, too.  And soon after, we were using the red pen, starting a money-earning program for her daughter, and amping up my client’s time!

Not surprisingly, her daughter was fine with the changes. She was tired of running around, too, but didn’t want to let her mother down by quitting! All of that worry, if only they just communicated, right?

“No” is a little word with big impact. If you can learn to say “No,” you will change your life.

The power of “No” lies in the way we use it.  Here are three rules to keep in mind when saying “No”:

* “No” Shouldn’t Be a Close-Ended Sentence

In some instances, saying “no” can turn people off to you, and then you’ll get nowhere with them. Saying “No” while suggesting a solution is far more impactful.

For example, if you are always the “go-to gal” for PTA party planning, and it lost its allure to you, gracefully decline, but suggest someone you know has been interested in helping more. If your hearts not in it, the party won’t be as fun anyway. Sometimes fresh, new volunteers will mix it up and everyone will be better off. Not selfish—it’s actually selfless because all with benefit. Offering a solution will make it easier to say “no”.

* Say “No” for Reasons that Really Matter

Here’s the deal: if we say “No” for purely selfish reasons, it might not be so powerful. I’m not telling you to stop helping people, to turn into a selfish chick who would rather go to the spa than volunteer at the Brownie’s bake sale. Oh, I couldn’t imagine the look on your daughter’s face. Some things only happen once, and they shouldn’t be given up without good reason. And, only you know what matters and what doesn’t, so be open and honest with yourself.

* Saying “No” Isn’t Limited to Other People

You may have to say “No” to yourself, too. For example, don’t sacrifice your potential for a promotion at work because you have to sneak out early to get home and catch Oprah. As a good as it is, use the DVR. But, if your boss expects you to work until midnight, and your sleep deprivation is leading to sloppy results, you have a case for “No”.  No one in the company will benefit from your exhaustion, and your work will especially suffer.

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